


I Called You a Friend

by ellacj



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Letters, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 05:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2139504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellacj/pseuds/ellacj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one person Emma wants to see is the one person she never can again.</p><p>Set after 3x11, spoilers for most everything up until then. Oneshot with a fair amount of feels. Don't say I didn't warn you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Called You a Friend

**Author's Note:**

> I did change a little bit of the canon - firstly, there was no Zelena. So when they returned to Storybrooke, they didn't lose their memories, and there was no villain to defeat. Just happy endings for *almost* everyone.
> 
> For an extra dose of feels read while listening to "Say Something" by A Great Big World. My apologies in advance.

Emma swallows hard as she crosses the town line into Storybrooke, glancing over at Henry in the passenger seat. _Here’s hoping he bought my bullshit story_ , she thinks to herself. “You ready to meet some friends of mine?”

Henry nods. “You never told me about this place. I’m excited.”

Emma parks in front of Granny’s, bracing herself for the inevitable hugs and kisses she’s about to get from her parents. She and Henry get out of the car, and they’re barely inside when Emma finds herself in the arms of her mother.

“Hey, _Mary Margaret_ ,” Emma says pointedly. “It’s good to see you again.”

Snow pulls back, a confused expression on her face. She opens her mouth to speak, but Emma cuts her off.

“This is my son, Henry.” Emma gestures to Henry and gives a Snow a look, silently promising to speak to her privately later.

“Henry,” Snow says. “It’s good to meet you. I’m Mary Margaret.”

“Hi.” Henry shakes her hand.

Emma frowns. “Where’s Regina? I’d really like Henry to meet her.”

Snow’s face falls. “Emma, I… I need to talk to you.”

Emma nods slowly. “Henry, why don’t you go hang out with David.” She gently pushes him toward her father, who’s remained silent the entire conversation. “He can tell you all about Storybrooke.” Once David and Henry are a safe distance away, Emma slides into a booth across from Snow. “What’s up?”

Snow bites her lip. “I think this is best done in private.” She grips Emma’s arm with a tight smile. “Your bed is still waiting for you at home.”

 _Home_. “Y-Yeah. Okay.” Emma goes over to where Henry and David are sitting at the bar. “Hey, David, do you mind watching Henry for a while? Mary Margaret and I have a bit of catching up to do.”

David nods. He squeezes Emma’s shoulder, a grave expression on his face. “We missed you.”

Emma smiles and nods once before following Snow out of the diner. “You gonna tell me what this is about? And where the hell is Regina? She’s gonna be pissed when she finds out you guys saw Henry before she did.”

Snow avoids eye contact as they make the short walk to the loft apartment. It looks so familiar when Emma walks in, the furniture seemingly untouched from the last time she saw it. Snow sits down on the couch and gestures for Emma to join her. “Regina’s… not here.”

Emma frowns. “What do you mean? Didn’t everyone come back?”

“Yes. She came back with us, but… we were only here for a week when it happened…” Snow trails off and looks down uncomfortably.

“What the hell happened?” Emma exclaims in frustration.

Snow looks up to meet Emma’s eye. She reaches over and squeezes her daughter’s hand. “We found her in her house. She was lying on her bed… and there was a vial in her hand that had a few drops of potion left in it.”

Emma’s blood runs cold as Snow continues. _No. Not her. Not Regina._

“Gold said it was a powerful poison. She died instantly.”

Emma tries to speak, but all that comes out is a strangled sort of sound. Her brain won’t form words, but her mouth keeps trying. All she can think is _Not Regina, not Regina, not Regina._

“It was just under a month ago.” Snow gets up and goes to the bookshelf, pulling out a shoebox as she continues. “She left this.” She returns to the couch and hands Emma a thick envelope. “For you.”

Emma grips the envelope tightly enough to leave indentations from her fingers. “I…” She’s not sure how she intended to end that sentence, so she simply gets up and goes to her old bedroom to read the letter in private. She turns the envelope over, and there’s a single word written on the front of it.

 _Emma_.

She can’t do it. She can’t open the letter. So she stuffs it unceremoniously into the drawer of her nightstand. She hears the apartment door open outside, and the voices tell her that David and Henry have come home, but she doesn’t get up. She can’t face them now. She can’t face anyone.

Maybe if she stays in here long enough she can convince herself it’s not true.

Maybe if she stays in here long enough it won’t be true.

Maybe Regina will come bursting through that door, yelling at Emma until her face turns blue for not bringing Henry straight to the manor and demanding to see him immediately.

But as much as Emma wants to believe it, she knows it won’t happen.

The Evil Queen is dead.

Regina is dead.

***

“I’ve never been good at this.” Emma shifts her weight on her feet, and her hands are sweaty around the stems of the rose she’s holding. The grave is still fresh; the grass hasn’t grown over it yet.

_Regina Mills  
Alone in death, but not in life._

Emma bites her lip. “For the past year I didn’t know who you were. But I remember before that. I remember you. I remember when I first came here we were all up in each other’s faces all the time. I remember when you were trying so hard to change and I was just trying to believe in you. I remember Neverland…” she trails off.

She’s half-expecting Regina to claw her way out of the grave with some remark about her inarticulateness, but of course one doesn’t come.

“I remember when we left. And you gave us a good life. I… I didn’t know. I would have come back if I knew. I would have come back for you.” She kneels down and lays the flower on the grave, pausing to run her thumb over the smooth marble of the headstone.

“I would have done most anything for you.” Emma’s voice breaks as she whispers. It’s the closest to a confession of love she’ll ever give. It’s not as though it’ll make any difference anyway.

“I helped you so many times.” She takes a shuddering breath as a tear rolls down her cheek and drips onto the dirt of the grave. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you this time.” Emma slowly pushes herself to her feet. “I wish you could have waited for me.”

And she swears as she walks away she can hear Regina say,

_Me too._

***

Emma paces back and forth in her room, the letter sitting on her bed. It’s been a week, and she still hasn’t decided what to do with it. She contemplates ripping it up, she contemplates throwing it into the fireplace in the living room.

She contemplates opening it.

People keep talking to her. “Checking in on her” they call it.

“I’m fine,” she tells them every time. She’s not fine. She’s anything but fine. Because the one person she really trusted, the one person who understood, left without warning. Left her alone.

She’s so fucking alone.

Quickly, before she can change her mind, she goes to the bed and tears open the envelope. There’s several pages, and Emma almost laughs. Regina always did have a lot to say.

Emma carefully unfolds the first page, and it’s her name on the top of the paper, written in the same careful cursive she’s seen a hundred times before, that breaks down the floodgates.

_Emma,_

Emma stops. A few drops land on the paper, smudging the ink in places. She wipes her eyes, forcing herself under control and reads on.

_I hope you actually read this, because I’m only writing one letter. Yours. I hope you don’t hate me for what I’ve done. I hope you don’t think me weak or irrational. I wasn’t, I swear to you. I was just overwhelmed._

_I couldn’t bear to be back here, in Storybrooke, without you and Henry. A child without parents is called an orphan, but what do you call a parent without a child?_

_Empty._

_I’m empty. It’s so hard walking past Granny’s and knowing you’re not inside drinking hot cocoa with cinnamon. It’s hard coming home to silence. My house is much too big with no one in it but myself._

_I hope you’re reading this, Emma. I hope I’m not writing these words only for them to be lost. I hope the handless wonder has tracked you down somehow because if he hasn’t then I suppose no one will ever read this._

_Then again, that Snow White was always good at sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong._

_I’m kidding, of course. Your mother was actually a great comfort to me when we were in the Enchanted Forest. She made the pain almost bearable. I never thought I would say this, but Snow White was the closest thing to a friend I’ve ever had._

_Besides you, of course._

_Yes, Emma, I do think of you as my friend. My only one. And you were a damn good one, too. You were irritatingly stubborn, you were much too loud, and you had an awful fashion sense… but I called you a friend all the same._

_I suppose if this is my last chance to say it… I’m sorry, Emma. I’m sorry for everything I did to you. I’m sorry for making Sidney run that article. I’m sorry for throwing you across my front lawn. I’m sorry for a million other things that could make an entire letter by themselves._

_I’m sorry for forcing you into the life you had._

_But as sorry as I am, I can’t bring myself to regret anything I did leading up to casting the curse. Not when it brought me Henry._

_Not when it brought me you._

_Aside from Henry, you were the most important person in my life. Saying goodbye to the two of you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hope that he’s happy in New York. I hope that you’re happy._

_I suppose if I’m being honest, I hope you never have to read this. I hope something will come along to save me at the last second, something will come along to give me a reason not to do it. But I suppose that makes me a coward._

_I’m even too afraid to die properly._

_I suppose deep down I’ve always been a coward. Fear has ruled my life until now; why should it stop? Being friends with you was a brief distraction from the self-loathing that constantly haunted me, but that’s all it was. I was a fool to think it could be permanent._

Emma has to stop reading because her vision has blurred so much that she can’t make out the words. She wipes at her eyes with the heel of her hand. She was stupid to think she could handle this; yet she reads on.

_I’m tired of breaking things._

_That’s all I do, Emma, is break things. I broke Daniel, I broke Henry, and now I’ve broken you. And you’re the one I most regret breaking. You were the most unbreakable of anyone I’ve ever known, and I somehow managed to break you. And somewhere along the way, I broke myself too._

_You’ve saved my life time and time again. The first time was when you pulled me out of that fire in my office. You could have just left me to burn, but you didn’t. The second was when you protected me from the mob outside my home. And again with the wraith, when I was accused of killing Archie, when my mother came to Storybrooke, when Greg Mendell was torturing me, and so many times in Neverland I don’t have enough pages to describe._

_You just missed one._

_And I can’t blame you for that. I can’t blame anyone but myself. That’s the whole point of this. Isn’t it funny, you were supposed to be the Savior, but the only person you really saved was the one you were supposed to hate._

_You saved me from so many monsters, but you couldn’t save me from the most dangerous monster of them all._

_Myself._

_I know I can hold a grudge like nobody else, I can be angry enough to kill, but I don’t hate anyone. There’s only one person I’ve ever truly hated, and that’s me. I had an obsession with mirrors during my time as queen, but these days I can’t even bear to look at my own reflection. I disgust myself. And I probably disgust you too._

_I wouldn’t blame you if you never paid me a second thought after you’re through with this letter. But before you dismiss me completely, before you forget I ever existed and go back to your happy reunion with your family, there’s something I haven’t told you._

_I love you._

_I never had the courage to say it. You don’t know how long it took me before I could even write those words. But I’m never going to have another chance to say it to you. Ever since you and Snow when through that portal to the other world… and I missed you. That’s when I knew._

_I suppose in a way, I’ve always known._

_With you, it’s hard not to know. You’re not pretty, Emma. You’re not beautiful. You’re radiant. Whenever you smiled… it always made me feel like maybe it would be okay. Maybe everything would be okay._

_It’s been a year since we last spoke. Since we stood on the town line and I held your hand and tried as hard as I could not to kiss you. I suppose that’s what I most regret in doing this._

_I’ll never know what it’s like to kiss you._

_I doubt I ever would have, even if I’d stayed, but who knows? Who knows if maybe one day I could somehow make you love me?_

_There’s really not much left to say except the rest of my goodbyes._

_Tell Snow thank you. Tell her I tried to make it, for her. Tell her I tried, and I failed._

_Tell Charming I’m sorry. He knows what for._

_Tell Granny thank you for all those pumpkin spice lattes she made for me, even when they were out of season._

_Tell Archie thank you for believing in a lost cause._

_Tell Tinker Bell I’m sorry I couldn’t love a man with a lion tattoo. Tell her I believe in her._

_Tell Ruby I appreciate all the times she listened when she didn’t have to._

_Tell Gold I despised him to my last breath. And tell him thank you. For everything._

_Tell Belle I’m sorry. Tell her I apologize to both her and Lacey._

_Tell Sidney I know there’s someone out there who will love him the way I never could._

_And Henry. Tell Henry I love him; that I will always love him. Make sure he knows it wasn’t his fault. Tell him that he was my last thought, the thought that will remain with me for the rest of whatever comes next. And please, tell him that in my final moments I was the person I always wanted to be._

_Make sure he never forgets me again._

_Goodbye, Emma. We’ve said it so many times, but this will be the last._

_I suppose that’s it… now I’m just stalling. Postponing the inevitable. I’ve got the vial in my hand as I write this. I can assure you of one thing, Emma: it didn’t hurt. The potion is designed to make one feel as though they are falling asleep._

_Still though, I am afraid._

_I suppose I’ll die as I’ve lived. Afraid. Afraid and alone. Don’t cry over me. Don’t let Henry be sad for too long. I’m not worth that._

_There are a lot of things I’ve apologized for, but I won’t apologize for drinking this potion. It’s a relief for me. It’s an escape. I don’t know what’s going to happen after I die, but I can assure you of one thing._

_I’m finally going to be happy._

And then it’s over. Regina signed her name at the bottom, and Emma can’t bear to think this letter is the last one she ever signed. She lets out a choked cry, burying her face in her arm and sobbing loudly into it. Regina’s gone. She’s gone, and she left Emma alone.

The door opens, and Henry comes into the room with a grin on his face. “Ma?”

Emma looks up, and Henry’s grin vanishes immediately.

“Are you okay?” Henry asks quietly, shutting the bedroom door behind him.

Unable to speak, Emma just shakes her head.

Henry comes over to the bed and wraps his arms around her. He buries his face in her shoulder as she hugs him tightly, sobbing down his back.

And she sits there, wordlessly holding the one person Regina had loved so much she couldn’t bear to live without him. The one person Regina had given everything to save. The one person Regina wanted to remember her.

And Emma feels a fresh wave of tears fall from her eyes as she realizes that he’s the one person who never can.


End file.
